Pig-Headed Pigskin Pre-Season Pre-Nuptials

By Paul Peavy

This document is designed to tackle one the most serious issues facing American families today.  Yes, I am ready to take on the mindless, drooling, eyes glazed over football addict.  It is not too late for you if you have noticed that your wife's car is still in the driveway.  I am offering to give you one last chance to rejoin the evolutional development of humankind.

Whereas I, __________________, do hereby proclaim my love for _____________________, my beautiful wife (please try to spell her name right).

Whereas I, __________________, also do hereby proclaim my love for football.  Especially the following teams and players (in order of preference): _________________, ________________,

__________________, __________________, ___________________, ___________________,

__________________, __________________, ___________________, ___________________,

and ­­­­___________________.

I heretofore wish to maintain the balance of love between my wife and football and do desire to continue shared residence with both my wife and my big screen TV.  In order to maintain this delicate balance I agree to a limit of _____ games per week.  This is in understanding that there are time slots for ten games per week between Thursday night and Monday night.

Exceptions to the above may include the following:

  1. Thanksgiving.  However, I must do something that contributes to the Thanksgiving meal like smoking the turkey or at least bringing in chairs from garage.  (Unless Barry Sanders comes out of retirement or Deion Sanders were to return to the Cowboys watching the Lions or the Cowboys only barely qualifies as watching football.)
  2. New Year's Day.  This is the Mardis Gras of college football season.  All sense of self-control may be tossed out the window and all sources of indulgences may be exploited.  This day is tailor made to separate the men from the shoppers!
  3. NFL Playoffs.  These games really do matter!
  4. Super Bowl Sunday!  The viewing of pre-game shows may begin at 12:01 A.M.  Sunday Morning and continue through post-game shows until 11:59 P.M.  Sunday night.

Pig-Headed Pigskin Pre-Season Pre-Nuptials

 The Penalty Page

The following infractions require penalties to be enforced:

  1. Saying, “Honey or Baby, while your up would you mind getting me a...”  Everyone knows that the human male can hold all bodily functions for up to eight hours during football watch-a-thons. This is the same male who will get up to go to the bathroom three times during one romantic chick flick. Besides, if you want to be treated like you are in a luxury sky box get your lazy, no hubcap car driving self up and make enough money to rent one.
    Penalty: The following weekend you have to take your wife out to a nice (no peanut shells     on the floor, hardwood barstools, no bells by the bar and definitely no TV's on the wall) restaurant during game time.
  2. Sitting around all day in your boxer shorts and not showering.  You may not have to look at yourself but others do.  If you would look in the mirror you would penalize yourself too!
    Penalty: You have to shower, shave, and wear pressed khakis to go shopping with your wife at the mall. You are not allowed to stop in front of the myriad of football games on in the television department of Sears. 
  3. Watching the Blue-Gray College All-Star Game on Christmas day. Unless your son or brother is playing in this game spending Christmas day watching a meaningless game is a pretty good argument that you are a stone cold, pisgskinned brain, oxygen taking, football addict. It's Christmas! Go play with your kids. Go play with your neighbor's kids. OK, if  you must, take your portable television and go serve food at the homeless shelter. Go visit a nursing home and watch it with some lonely little old lady. 
    Penalty:  You must pay by combining charity work with family time.  You have to take your wife, mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother shopping at an outlet mall.  Yes, it is that serious.
  4. Going over the agreed upon limit of games per week. You agreed to a limit that you thought was fair and reasonable. Show some restraint! Unless you are supporting your family by coaching, scouting, or wagering your mortgage payment on games you need to use the Other Friend Finder button (O.F.F.) on your remote control and get a life!
    Penalty: You must call a sports call-in show and say, 'I hate football because it is too violent.  I also disagree with the use of cheerleaders as  sexist feminine décor to a masculine
    centerpiece showcase. I think time spent watching football could be better spent by men enriching their relationships with their wives by simply holding hands and staring into each other's eyes and sharing hopes, dreams, and fears. By the way my full name is________________.'

Pig-Headed Pigskin Pre-Season Pre-Nuptials

Finalization of Terms

I agree to abide by the above conditions and comply with the penalties as stated.  If I knowingly refuse to abide by these penalties I understand that my wife may freely choose to put a freeze on any potential 'Backfield in Motion' penalties.

 

__________________________

The pig-headed pigskin addict

 

__________________________
The soon to be free agent if the addict
doesn't wake up and smell the Astroturf