Seven Deadly Sins to Sink a Family Vacation

1. Do not take any other input from other family members about what they would like to do on this vacation. Hey its your idea of a great vacation, surely they’ll think its great too!
   
2. Do not take into consideration the age factors of your family members. Three year-olds should learn to play through their nap time, teen-agers should be mature enough to appreciate the vast amount of knowledge they can gather at the international museum, and Granny and Pops can just sit on a bench in the Florida July heat if they don’t want to ride the Pukemeister Spinorama ride with the rest of the family.
   
3. Do not allow for breaks. Eating and going to the bathroom is for wimps.
   
4. Schedule everything to the max. This is your only week off. You must do all and conquer all. Fun be danged, there is an agenda to complete!
   
5. Do not get in shape for your vacation. If you are going to be doing a lot of walking on your vacation don’t bother getting out of your chair and walking around the neighborhood a couple of weeks before your vacation. Also be sure and take on thirty-six holes of golf or a four hour mountain hike your first day. Vacation stories always sound better when they end with, “…So I spent the rest of the week inside watching TV with an ice pack on my knee.”
   
6. Allow no noise while driving. Don’t think of anything fun or creative for kids to do while in the car…excuse me, van…excuse me, SUV. Driving is for driving. Children should be able to be silent and stare at the Interstate for eight consecutive hours without whining.
   
7. Practice these phrases so you can snap them off without thinking. Insert the name of your choice (Please use only one name, it’s important to make one child the complete and total bad guy for the whole trip that way everybody else in the family has a great trip and only one child has a miserable childhood experience he will take with him the rest of his life).
   1. “Billy, stay on your side of the seat. Anything I see over that line I’ll cut off.”
      
   2. “That means looking over to that side, too, Billy.”
      
   3. “No Billy, we just ate.”
      
   4. “No Billy, why didn’t you go when we just stopped.”
      
   5. “Well, I guess you didn’t try hard enough Billy.”
      
   6. “Don’t put your lips on the window, Billy.”
      
   7. “ Not too long, if you consider the diameter of the whole earth, Billy.”
      
   8. “I will tell you when we’re almost there, Billy.”
      
   9. “How about trying a nap, Billy.”
      
   10. “Only boring people get bored, Billy.”

Seven SUPER Secrets to Successful Family Vacations

1. Lighten up. It’s a vacation! This is supposed to be FUN! This is not a challenge, a goal, or an agenda to be completed. Relax and as stupid as this sounds, have fun on your vacation.
   
2. Be flexible. Things will come up that could be more fun than what was planned. Take advantage of these opportunities. More than likely your best family memories will come from these spontaneous moments.
   
3. If your teen-ager wants to bring a friend and you can afford it, do so. Your teen-
   ager’s friend will be much more uncomfortable with both your and your teen’s anger so he’ll be more likely to steer your teen away from getting into a family conflict. Also, of course, your child is less likely to use the “B” word, “Bored”.
   
4. Don’t try to do everything possible everyday. Leave a couple of days completely free. Things may come up that you will want to do and you also may need some recovery time.
   
5. Be willing to split up for a while. A couple of people may want to shop for antiques, a couple may want to golf, and a couple may want to hang out at the pool. At the end of the day you have a bunch of happy family members ready to share different funny stories and play a family game or do a big group activity.
   
6. Be willing to play car games. The most time you actually spend together with your children’s undivided attention is in the car so why not make it fun. That is positive time your kids will put in the very small, “Hey Mom and Dad might be kind of cool,” part of the brain.
   
7. Leave your business, authoritarian, take-charge almighty ruler self at the office. This is a great time to get in touch with your inner-nerd and just be goofy. Then please don’t forget to bring that fun self home with you. The greatest gift a vacation can give you is a long-term change in perspective, so give yourself permission to re-invent yourself and bring the new you home to stay and play!