Mr. Woible’s Foibles: Valentine’s Day Massacre
Scott was studying the giant Valentine’s Card rack hard! I mean really hard. I mean like if he studied this hard in school he would probably be sent to Harvard and then straight to the rocket making factory. If you were a fly in his brain (which would be very gross) this is what you would hear.
“Old fashioned sports stars. Boring.”
“SpongeBob. Funny. But I don’t know if Angie thinks SpongeBob might be too childish.”
“Zombies! Cool! But I don’t know if Mr. Woible allows Zombie Valentine’s.”
“Hello Kitty. Cute! Wait! I did not just say ‘Cute!’ and reach for the Hello Kitty Valentines, did I? No! No! Now I to reach out to touch the Zombie Valentines to erase the Hello Kitty Valentine’s touching.”
“Close ups of pets. So close up they made their eyes look like giant bug eyes. Cute. No, no, no, because I just said ‘Cute’ again!”
“Angry Birds! Yes Angry Birds! Just the right amount of funny and cool!”
No matter if Angie really liked Angry Birds or not she has to know that if I like Angry Birds, I am cool.”
He picked up two boxes and put them in his mom’s grocery cart. Finally after three stores Scott had the perfect Valentines that his guy friends would not make fun of and Angie would know how totally awesome he really was.
As his mom pulled out of the Valentines section, Scott quickly grabbed a giant sucker that said “Be Mine” on it and slipped it into the grocery cart. His mom looked at Scott and Scott looked back at her and gave her the “Don’t ask” look. His mom shrugged her shoulders and followed the “Don’t ask” thought that Scott had magically passed to her with his super powered brain waves.
When they went by the shoe polish, Scott said, “Will that white shoe polish brighten up my tennis shoes?”
“I guess so,” his mom replied as Scott put the shoe polish in the buggy.
As they were checking out at the cash register Scott saw the hair cutting place inside the big store.
“Mom, I think I need a haircut, don’t you?”
Scott’s mom looked at Ray very oddly for a second. “Who was this kid?” she thought. Her son had never wanted to get his hair combed before, much less cut. At the register she noticed he even snuck deodorant into the grocery cart.
Then she understood what was going on, “My little Scooter-Pooter, do you have a gir…” Just then Scott shot his eyes and his razor sharp brain waves at his mom!
“Do NOT say girlfriend in your out loud voice in this ginormous store!” was the mind wave he sent to her. It worked once again.
She froze and did not say anything other than, “Yes, Scott I do think you need a haircut.”
They sat down in a chair and Scott picked up a magazine. The lady hair cutter said, “I believe you are next, sir.” Scott carried the magazine with him.
“Let me guess, you want the Justin Beiber special.”
“No!” said Scott a little too loudly. He could not say exactly why but a long time ago Justin Beiber became way too cool so that he had become very, very uncool.
“I want to look like this,” as he pointed to a movie star with long blond hair and a beard.
“Okay” said the lady hair cutter even though Scott’s hair was brown and short. “Shaving your beard would be an extra five dollars you know.”
Scott froze. He had not considered that he needed a shave. Doesn’t shaving with a razor hurt? Maybe you need to shave if you get a girlfriend. Maybe…just then his mother saved him.
“No thanks I did not bring enough money for the shave. He’ll just have to go with that rugged look.” He liked his mom for saying that. He had never seen a hair on his face but his mother must have noticed that he looked like those tough guys on TV that always looked like they had not shaved for three days. Scott moved his head exactly as the lady barber asked and kept it still just as she asked. This had to be just right.
“There! Take a look, handsome!” said the lady barber as she held the mirror up for Scott to look at.
“Hmm…” Scott thought a little disappointed. “I look like me with kind of square hair.” Oh well, he knew he didn’t want her to cut any more off. He figured that it would grow out a pretty good bit while he slept and then he could shake it in the morning and the square look would be gone.
When they got home, he wolfed dinner down. He wolfed it so fast he only actually recognized the mac and cheese. The meat was, well, whatever it was, he covered it in ketchup and ate it in three giant bites. He then dashed upstairs and picked out his clothes for tomorrow. He had never done that before. He had always just thrown on whatever he picked up first. His cammo pants looked both cool and tough. The shirt, well there the Angry Birds shirt was just staring him in the face. Cool, tough, and Valentine’s red.
He squeezed the shoe polish on his tennis shoes and it dripped out and all over the shoe. Then he stopped squeezing and spread it over the dirt and scratches. Cool! But he had to keep it off the cool black symbol. He got a little on the symbol but grabbed one of his other t-shirts and wiped it off. “Very cool!”
Now time to write on the cards. Marie was first on the list. He took her card and put it to the side. He needed to think about what to write here. He simply wrote each name on a
card as he went down the list and his own name where it said “FROM:__________”. He still couldn’t think of what to write on Marie’s since it had to be just perfect. He would wait until just the right words came.
Time to shower and shower good! Because if it is one thing Scott had heard a million times it was, “Girls don’t like stinky boys!” He had been told this by the following people: His mother, his father, his big sister, his mother again, his big sister’s friends (Molly, Allie, and the girl who always wore striped socks), his big brother, his big brother’s friends (Butch, Reggie, and some guy who was always sweaty and smelled bad), his mother again, his bus driver, his P.E. coach, his football coach, Marie and of course, and his mother again and again. All that he thought about was that Marie said that about some other boy after P.E. so he knew it mattered.
After he got out of the shower he messed his hair up with a towel so that it all stood completely up like he had just wrestled a helium balloon. “Cool!” he thought and he hopped into bed hoping his hair would stay that radically cool!
He woke up the nest morning and ran to the mirror. “Bummer,” he thought. Some of his hair stood up and some of it laid stuck down like a box. It looked like somebody had tried to put a very small lion into a box to mail it. He wet down the standing up parts after he realized he could not wet them up. He brushed his teeth extra long singing the birthday song to himself three times while he brushed to make sure his breath was shiny and his teeth did not stink (or whichever way that was supposed to go).
He jumped into his cammo pants and slid on his Angry Bird shirt and slid the Valentine’s cards into a bag and then the bag into the back pack. He then picked up the giant heart sucker and wrapped it with toilet paper so it did not break and stuffed it into his backpack. He grabbed a breakfast bar and jumped into the car before his mother even got there.
“Did you remember your Valentine’s cards?” His mom asked.
“Yes, Mom,” this was THE big day how could he not remember his Valentine’s Day cards? He tried to not to be a smart aleck so she had no reason to ask any more questions.
When the school came into sight he started scanning for Marie. Not that he wanted to give her the giant sucker before school but just so she could check him out with his cammo pants, Angry Birds shirt, double white tennis shoes, fresh smell, and maybe kind of cool hair.
The usual gang met before school but Ray could not pay attention to anything anyone was saying because he was on Marie-scan mode. Actually the whole day went like that. The bell rang and startled him from his Marie-scan and he walked into class and sat down. No Marie. What if she didn’t…just then…
It…was…like…she…walked…in…in…slooowww …m o t i o n.
She had on a pink shirt with one of those crazy big eyed dogs on it that was surrounded by red and white hearts. She had on white pants and she had on white, white tennis shoes like his! Scott’s heart beat louder than Willard’s bass drum in the Camp Peavy Middle School band.
After seeing her, his whole attention span was just Marie-scan all day long. What would Marie think if he answered a question? What would Marie think if he caught the ball? What would Marie think if he got up and walked over to the pencil sharpener? Would Marie think it would be cool if he ate left handed?
Finally after the whole day had dragged by it was time for the Valentine’s party. He took his turn and went to hand out each Valentine into the bag with each name on it. He calmly passed by each name and dropped his Valentine into each bag. “OH NOOOO!” he thought. He never even wrote Marie’s name on her Valentine. “UGGGHHHH!” He thought. What could he do? After dropping everyone else’s card off he ran to his desk and scribbled Marie’s name and his name in the right places and ran the card back to Marie’s desk.
“Did you forget about me?” Marie asked him.
“No, no, no…” stammered Scott, “I wa-wa-wanted to make it sp-sp-special.” This is worse than anything he could have ever imagined. He had said “special” in his out loud voice so everyone could hear it. Then there was nothing special about chicken scratching his and her name very quickly on a store bought card.
He looked at the card with her name on it to him. A bug-eyed bulldog with the words “You Make My Eyes Bug Out!” He could not tell if this was a good thing or a bad thing and he could not get Marie to look at him.
At least he had the giant heart sucker to give her after school. The punch sipping, card reading “party” dragged on because Scott was now thinking of the perfect line to say to Marie after school when she was presented with the royalty sized heart sucker.
“I like you, do you like me?” No that’s like being a buddy like Juan is.
“I like you, like you. Do you like me, like me?” Oh jeez, I sound like I have the like-stutters.
“Do you want to go out?” Go out where? Go out and ride on my bike handlebars? No. That’s just dumb.
Just then the bell rang and everyone headed out the hall. Oh, no he lost sight of Marie. He looked down each hallway. He got out to the car pick up line. His mother was first in line! She’s never first in line. He quickly looked to the left and there was Marie standing next to Carla.
Scott ran over more quickly than he had ever run when he played baseball. He reached into his backpack and grabbed the stick of the sucker. He stammered, “Umm…umm…will you marry me?” Oh no! It could not get worse. Oh yes it could. He
pulled out the sucker but it was still covered in the toilet paper he had wrapped around it that morning. He threw it at her and ran as fast as he could and jumped in his mom’s car.
“Floor it! Mom we gotta get out of here! Everyone just saw me propose to Angie with toilet paper on a stick!” His mother looked at him very strangely and all she could figure was that the new haircut, the shiny tennis shoes, the sucker, and the scruffy 5th grade beard had not worked well for her son that day and it was her job to drive the get away car to save her little Scooter-Pooter.
Just as they stopped to let the kids in front of them cross the street Scott saw Marie looking at him with her eyes crossed and a pretending to eat the toilet paper off the sucker, laughing and nodding her head yes.
“Yesss!” smiled Ray in his out loud voice, “Yesss!”
A few blocks down the road his phone buzzed.
“I don’t think my parents will let me get married until I’m at least in middle school. LOL But I am going skating Friday night, I hope you are too.”
Scott smiled, looked at his mom, and nodded his head and whispered “Yessss!”
His mom looked at him, smiled, nodded her head and thought, “I have such a strange kid.”